A Beginner’s Guide to Snap Length

Eight seconds is way too long for your typical Snapchat. If your snap is longer than six seconds, you better either be doing the Cat Daddy in a bathing suit or showing off the most majestic sunset mankind has ever witnessed. I loaded three snaps for this subway ride; I can’t afford to be wasting one on your extended panning shot of Terminal 5 at JFK. We’ve been on a plane before, dog. That shit ain’t interesting.

GUIDE TO SNAP LENGTH

1-3 seconds: Semi nude pictures…documentation of a crime being committed…clandestine video of really weird and somewhat scary hobo that has to be documented, but you can’t afford to let him see you taking a video or he may attack…video of your co worker chewing on her nuts in a really annoying way that you can’t stand.

4-6 seconds: Incorrectly spelled name on Starbucks cup…travel shots (including but not limited to: in the terminal, in the plane, that moment when you get above the clouds, funny shot of you sitting in the seat, etc)…your best friend blowing out her bday candle…your and your crew acting like you the first people to ever hit the club on a weeknight…kissy face group shot at the tail end of a pregame right before you head out…the fellas wylin’ in the Uber on the way out…really cute dog that you stop to play with in the park…picture documenting your courtside seats at the Knicks game, even though we’ve been in last place all year…any and all pictures of food…almost all pictures of sunsets, sunrises, and natural phenomena…blurry shot of the concert you’re at, in seats that aren’t that great…nude pictures for your man.

7+ seconds: Raw footage of a unicorn, yeti, sasquatch, or UFO…A-list celeb sighting, if you’re a tool like that…extremely ridiculous homeless person…individual passed out on the street/in public…quadruple rainbow.