Sometimes, when I’m done taking a leak in the mens room and it’s empty except for someone in a stall, I pretend to wash my hands. I actually turn the water on, and I hover my hands near the water while pretending to wash them. I then mock-dry my hands and smile warmly at the person who exits the stall, tipping my cap on the way out of the bathroom.
Why? I have no idea. Maybe I have a screw loose.
Or maybe we all do weird shit here and there, for whatever reasons. Social media is no different. Here’s two more regrettable things that people do on social media; if you do either of these things, you can be sure your social media game is #cursed beyond repair.
Intentionally Vague Status Updates Meant To Inspire Questions
You know the drill here. Someone just got dumped, or fired, or had something bad happen, but instead of actually saying what happened, they play just-the-tip with your curiosity. They post a status update that sounds like a line from The Wire.
“SMH…can’t trust anyone these days…”
Attempting to not care…scrolling past it…fighting…the…urge…
Alright, motherfucker, you win! I’m curious! I want to know! I’m a naturally inquisitive homo sapiens! The thirst for knowledge is hardwired into my DNA and you are using it against me. I WISH, with every fiber of my being, that I could just scroll past your emo status and move on with my day, not giving a shit, but I can’t. I also have never spoken a word to you in any shape or form, so for the rest of my life, I’m going to be a little unsettled wondering what the hell made that girl from orientation with big tits stop trusting people.
Randomly Endorsing Someone’s Skills on LinkedIn
LinkedIn has become the new go-to playground for the gutless and the horny. Where else can you hide behind the guise of professionalism while looking at pictures of people’s attractive headshot photos? LinkedIn is the online version of pretending you were looking at a girl’s beautiful necklace, not her funbags.
Because LinkedIn tells you when someone views your profile, it’s become a sort of Frankenstein cross between OKCupid and Facebook. Want a girl to know you’re thinking about her? Check her LinkedIn profile. Want to go a step further and really dial up the creep? Time to endorse a random skill.
“Bob has endorsed your Digital Marketing Skills.”
Oh yes. I love it when you talk dirty to me, Bob.
This is quite possibly the most pathetic way to come onto a woman in 2014. This makes the Facebook Poke look seductive. At least the poke is obvious; there is some humor in how blatant it is. The poke is like saying “nice shoes – wanna fuck?”
The LinkedIn endorsement is sad. Desperate. The LinkedIn endorsement is like a fat boss in the 1950’s sexually harassing his secretary.
Sharon felt herself get queasy as her boss approached. She could always tell when he had been drinking – she could smell it from across the room. He sat on the edge of the desk, a disgusting smile pushing apart his fat cheeks. His stubby fingers caressed her hair as he leaned closer.
“My goodness, Sharon…have I ever endorsed your typewriting?”
Gross. The best part is the endorsement almost never has anything to do with the girl’s career. Desperate, lazy, and creepy – the quickest way into a woman’s pants! If I was a chick and I got one of these, here’s how I’d write back:
“Thanks, Bob…but I’m a middle school teacher, and digital marketing has absolutely nothing to do with my profession. Either you have early onset Alzheimer’s, or you think a bizarre, irrelevant compliment delivered via a networking website will cause me to immediately become moist with desire and unable to resist fucking some guy I went to high school with. Either way, you are clearly in a sad place. I hope you enjoy masturbating to this correspondence while using your own tears as lubricant. xoxo Liz”
Enjoy your Thanksgiving, everyone!
– By Jack Gashi