Making New Year’s Resolutions, Murderer Style

I never watched The Jinx, and I never listened to Serial. Despite loving anything HBO and being a big fan of podcasts, they both exploded onto the scene too quickly for me to join in on the fun. Sometimes I feel like when I’m not early enough to The New Thing, I’m better off just skipping it entirely. Happened with Serial and Jinx; happened with Vine; happened with “being healthy”. If you’re not early, just don’t do it. Otherwise, you’ll be the loser still Dabbing at a wedding this weekend, probably somewhere in one of those middle time zones that people like Steve Avery live in.

Anyway, lucky for me Netflix released Making a Murderer over the holidays (genius), when nobody is doing anything – which meant I was able to hop on the train before it passed the station.

That’s because I spend 90% of the holidays simply “digesting”. I inhale a mound of food; stumble into a corner of my house like a wounded soldier; collapse; and wait for the acids in my stomach to break down the large un-chewed chunks of lasagna into small water-soluble molecules.

That makes it a perfect time to binge on Netflix into the wee hours. This year, the holiday binge of choice was, unequivocally, Making a Murderer, and I have to get some things off my chest. Here’s three Making a Murderer-Themed New Year’s Resolutions for 2016.

QUICK POINT: There are NO spoilers in here. I hate people who spoil shows, even if it’s been a couple weeks. So, feel free to read on, even if you haven’t seen the show. 

Resolution #1: Try This Whole “Masturbate On The Hood of a Car” Thing

I started the show off somewhat skeptically, as I do with most super-hyped shows and movies. Within ten minutes, I was hooked. During a deposition with Avery’s cousin, a detective reads from offscreen:

“He has been known to masturbate on the hood of the car as she is driving by.”

His cousin half-assedly dismisses the idea, saying he “didn’t masturbate,” then proceeds to demonstrate what he did do… by making the universal “stroking the shaft” motion in front of her face, and saying he was “doing his thing” (with a smirk). The officer, incredulous, follows-up with what any sane person must be thinking:

“This is while you’re driving forty miles an hour by his house?”

The cousin is undaunted.

“He had it planned out. He was ready.”

Um, excuse me? I’m not sure Batman could pull that off, and he has considerably more physical dexterity, equipment, and know-how than Steve Avery. At this point, I paused the documentary – again, only five or six minutes in – and spent the next fifteen minutes trying to imagine how this was possible. Hell, I still might try and recreate it for YouTube. Can we get Mythbusters on this?

Second thought: have you ever been to Wisconsin in the winter? It’s cold. REALLY cold. If I whipped my ding-dong out in that climate, it would invert into my stomach so fast that I’d get the wind knocked out of me (reason #482 why Steven Avery is a fascinating human being).

Third thought: since Steve is such a car buff, I have to wonder: what’s his favorite hood to climax onto? Your first guess might be a facial delivered to the Spirit of Ecstasy, the famous hood ornament on Rolls Royce cars. Maybe that’s his pipe dream, but being a lower-class man of rural descent and knowing their penchant for beastiality, I’m thinking he’d more like to take the Jaguar from behind.

You haven't lived until you've nutted on a Jaguar hood ornament traveling 40mph.

You haven’t lived until you’ve nutted on a Jaguar hood ornament while traveling 40mph.

Resolution #2: Be More Mindful With Sexting

Ken Katz – I hated this dude from the first minute he came on. He was SCREAMING “creeper”. My Creep Radar was doing backflips and short-circuiting as soon as I heard his soft, bitchy little voice serenading the courtroom from under his Wisco Stache.

Raise your index finger if you're a boob

Raise your index finger if you’re a boob

After I finish any movie/tv show, the first thing I do is open up the laptop and Google/Wikipedia the hell out of it. Finding out that our buddy Ken resigned from his DA post in 2010 after sending super creepy text messages to a domestic violence victim in a case HE was working was one of the least surprising things of all time. I think I even yelled out, “I KNEW it!” What a slimy, dirty old man. Here’s a couple of his texts to the battered woman:

“Are u the kind of girl that likes secret contact with an older married elected DA…the riskier the better?”

I know that exact type! One time I was dating a girl and she dumped me because she said she was looking for an older, married, elected DA (very important that he was elected by his peers, rather than appointed or anything).

Here’s another one of his texts, image courtesy of Good Morning America:

"I am the prize."

“I am the prize.”

What a suave fella. That’s definitely the type of phone he was using, too. Kudos, Ken: that’s the hottest text I’ve ever seen using the word “nymph“. Nothing gets a girl wet faster than sexually suggestive texts featuring ancient Greek mythology. I’m gonna start trying this out.

You remind me of Aphrodite. Are you the type of girl who likes taking two heavenly thunderbolts at once? 

I also like his suggestion that having a mortgage and a “6-figure” job means he’s the prize. Have you looked in the mirror, dude? You better upgrade to a $350,000 car and a 6-figure credit limit if you want any nymphs to go digging around under your gut in search of your penis. Know dat.

Resolution #3: Start Talking Like I’m From Wisconsin

I have a new fascination with the Wisconsin way of speaking. Here’s two quick tips if you’re interested in trying it out.

– Say “Yeah?” a lot, especially to open conversations. It seems quite common to pick up the phone and volley a few back and forth, almost like tennis players warming up before the match.

– Hello?
– Yeah?
– Yeah?
– Yeah.

– Throw “and that” onto the end of sentences. It’s sort of like the midwestern version of “and stuff”. Like this:

Ex 1: “They kept asking me what body parts I saw, and that.”

Ex 2: “My boss keeps bothering me during vacation, e-mailing and that.”

Ex 3: “I kind of want a girlfriend since I’m in my late 20’s but I like adventure and freedom and that.”

Happy New Year, folks.

  • Aris Maragoudakis

    Welcome Back Gashi